"About the only people I might quibble with are bisexuals, because I think we all agree at some point that these people are just incredibly greedy motherfuckers."
Dennis Miller
"Do I know how fast I was going officer? Yeah, I do. I was doing a hundred and fifteen fuckin miles an hour because I have a huge red pepper of rage lodged into my sphincter muscle."
Dennis Miller
"Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."
Bumper Sticker
"If a man builds 1000 bridges and sucks 1 dick, no one calls him a bridge builder - they call him a cocksucker."
Play It to the Bone
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
David Daye
"Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him."
Unknown
"I need to kill NH and Grey off quick so I don't have to animate so much in M:WTF2."
Ronald McDonald
"This puts the exchange rate at around 15,000 to 25,000 Ultima Online gold units to the U.S. dollar, making a unit of Ultima gold nearly equal in value to the Vietnamese dong."
Dell News (page 2)
"What do you mean I can't sell castle deeds I create on Ebay?"
GM Darwin circa 1999
"If you get to be thirty-five and your job still involves wearing a name tag, you've probably made a serious vocational error."
Dennis Miller
"Canada is a place for prostitutes and their chlamydia-infected clients and it's a damn good thing they have nationalized health care."
Bastard test
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
George Carlin
"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"
Ralph Wiggum (The Simpsons)
"Some people should die... that's just unconscious knowledge."
Jane's Addiction - Pig's In Zen
"They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem."
George Carlin
"I'm going to get a racing stripe tatoo'd on my cock."
Ainvar (at the JoV Gathering)
"Don't say anything bad about someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you say something bad, you're a mile away, and you've got his shoes."
Jack Handey - Deep Thoughts (SNL)
"<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking "What the hell is this guy doing?"
Some random IRC guy
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright
"I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks."
Jack Handey - Deep Thoughts (SNL)
"Sure, its class based gayness, but at least I get to kill people."
Joe - Speaking about DAoC
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
George Bernard Shaw
"When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family."
Unknown
"They say a smile is a gift that is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere."
Unknown
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black."
Chris Rock
"All of the younger actors keep coming up to me and asking me where all of the land mines are because they know I've stepped on them all."
Burt Reynolds
"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln
"[speaking of someone who's an internet toughguy] "If he spoke to me like that irl, I'd be seeing if I could fit him inside a Wendy's biggie-size cup."
IRC Quote
"Only two things are infinite.. the universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former."
Albert Einstein
"That's enough of that shit."
Clint Eastwood (directing) after a take, instead of "Cut!"
"Everyone has two cents, but it's only worth taking from very few people. Most people just swallowed a couple pennies and expect you not to mind when they come out covered in shit."
Azaroth
"I plan to live forever. So far so good."
Steven Wright
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
Oscar Wilde
"The U.S. Government today changed its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. Condoms stand up to inflation, halt production, destroy the next generation, protect pricks, and give a sense of security while actually screwing you!"
Unknown
"I am trying to see things from your perspective but I just can't get my head that far up my ass."
Mike Adams
"The difference between intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has its limits."
Unknown
"Stephen Hawking wasn't even smart enough to dodge my pee."
Joe (slightly drunk)
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams
"Beer... the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
Homer Simpson
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
Arthur McAuliff
"You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop."
Rip Torn (in Dodgeball)
"Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them."
Unknown
"Hurricanes are like women - when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car."
Unknown
"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy."
Steve Martin
"Having sex with two girls at once is so hot, even gay men fantasize about it."
Phil from ConsumptionJunction.com
"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde
"Intelligence is alcohol soluble."
Unknown
"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
Robin Williams
"We're hoping for penises here!"
Joe's greatest out-of-context quote
"Unbounded hope is a dangerous thing. It causes you to do things that don't make sense, take risks that are completely unwarranted, make foolish interpretations, and see things that aren't really there."
Brian Katz