The New Improved WTFMan
McDonaldland's Final Update (For The Time Being)

Let it be known that all news coming from me will be found at www.wtfman.com and no longer here at McDonaldland. Greybeard and I are now centering our attention on the root page, and discontinuing our respective pages.

As you will notice, the WTFMan.com root page has been completely revamped.

We have lots of things in store for you there, so update your bookmarks accordingly.

I will update this site again when I am playing an online game, but for now I am leaving it, as Greybeard with UOEvil, as an archive (as if there's good shit to read here). However, I am leaving everything here as is.

Join the 3 WTFMen on the new and improved WTFMan.com. -Ron

Cygnus Open For Beta

Grimace and Magnus have shit ready for beta testing the new shard to begin. They are accepting the 1st 40 applicants as of this update. If you are interested in applying, by all means head over to Magnus's Cygnus Site here at WTFman.

I just got back from out of town, so not much more is going on that I am aware of at this point in time. To all of you who sent in E-mails about the shard (the 74,543 of you), thanks for expressing interest. I was just sending out general feelers for how many players we'd be looking at here. For signing up, once again head over to the Cygnus Site as my E-Mail box was not intended to be the sign-up point (that was my own fault). - Ron

Stuff / Off I Go Again

Have a couple things I'd like the mention first however, before I depart here in a few hours for a week. Plus as my laundry washes I have to do something to keep me awake, so typing meaningless words on this page will do.

1st off, sorry I didn't update with anything worthwhile. It shouldn't be anything you are unnaccustomed to at this point anyway though.

However, the next order of business is a bonus, as the site is once again to soon have a purpose. I am absolutely ecstatic. So should you be :

Cygnus Shard

Magnus and my bloated purple side-kick, Grimace, have begun work on a UO shard. This shard, of course, as all other personal shards state, will be "the shit." Consider this just a pre-advertisement for things to come. Connection to the shard and stability will be the least of your worries, as the server hub is a 386 mhz Pentium Alpha and will serve as a sub-server to owo.com's own Baja shard. You can count on never losing connection. Just like the days all too familiar to you of Baja.

Actually their server is some kind of T-98 Dual Y-k 1189 prototype Z45 Voodoo 4 R2D2 c3p0 line with like 149 fiberoptic something or others. It's supposed to be stable, I can't remember the exact letter to word combinations he gave me.

Anyway, what it all boils down to, is this hype, unlike all other things that I hype and drop, is something that will be occuring whether I update on it or not. Just so you know, Magnus is the king of all things of UOX. So you are not going to be disappointed.

Where I come in : I will be a GM in my off time from Ballet lessons, as well as have my own theme park. Hair and facial pubes will be granted to all.

If you have interest in playing on a shard run by your 3 Gods, then by all means contact me so I can inform you of what's what and direct your typing to the local shard authorities. You can also give suggestions on things you always wanted, but were never able to have in your UO experiences.

Vote

Do myself and Greybeard and his family and friends at PvP Comics a favor, by placing your cursor over the following text, and left clicking.
It is not a very difficult procedure, and I will help make it easier on you:

CLICK ME

 

Click of the Week - An Absolute Must See.

Now since you have helped myself and Greybeard, help yourself to a little pure genius and laughter by visiting Pulp Phantom. If you like myself, recognize Pulp Fiction as the cure for HIV and the the Movie of Movies, you will appreciate this Shockwave of Star Wars meets Pulp Fiction. Watch every episode, they are great. Unless of course you are one of those poor misguided souls who has not indulged yourself to 180 viewings of the divine movie. In which case I will plead with you to rent or buy as soon as humanly possible as you are missing out on one of life's greatest treasures.

See you in a week. -Ron

Another Lengthy Absence

Sorry again for the 2nd consecutive week-long absence. However, this time it was due to circumstances out of my control. We unfortunately had a death in the family last Saturday, and my brother and I headed up to be with the family as was necessary.

Also next week I am again going to be out of town for 6 days checking out apartments/school/job situations in Ohio. As if the site was frequently updated before - things are going to be tremendously slow here for the duration of the month. You're going to have to bear with me.

In the meantime I have about 80 hatemails and bills to go through. I'll try to get a good update here this weekend. - Ron

eBay Sucks

You gotta love the way things are run over there at eBay. After registering with them to sell my EQ account, I received the following E-Mail :

Dear ron@wtfman.com,
Welcome to eBay!

We're so happy to have you as our newest member. You have now completed step 2 of the registration process. In order to begin buying or selling at eBay, you simply need to activate your account, which is step 3. Here's how...
*Jot down the following info*
Your email is ron@wtfman.com
Your confirmation code is #####

Did you notice their fucking emote? I sure didn't miss it. It's a sign no one should be doing business with them to start with. God damned roleplayers.

The next day I receive the following E-Mail, and I hate to be one to point out misspellings of words and just terribly confusing sentence structure (since I am guilty of both consistently), but if you are supposedly like uh, a real company I would think your E-Mails should be run through the spellchecker a few times and at least make sense. I am allowed to be a moron, because I never claimed to be anything but a moron. Anyway, here's my next E-Mail from them:

Dear ron@wtfman.com,

Jason -- due to your prior "virginity" auction with false contact information, which generated an inquiry from Flordia law enforcement, you have already been suspended from eBay and may re-register. Do not use eBay's services again, or eBay may take legal action to prevent you from coming back to the site.

Regards ,
Robert C. Chesnut
(support@ebay.com)
eBay Inc

What the hell is a Flordia law enforcement? "You have been suspended and may re-register?"

Followed by: "Do not use our shit again or we'll make terrible asses of ourselves."

You know, it's funny because (and I will reiterate this yet another time for them, since in 2 weeks they haven't responded to me) :

I did not even make that friggin' auction.

Did they just fail to see the "Created by HKnight for Ironclast on EFNET" under the auction, and HKnights own e-mail address under the "seller," or is their registration system so FUBAR that they can't even tell who makes auctions on their own damned web site? I was CC'd an E-Mail that Jay Monahan sent to HK for God's sake. They know who made the fucking auction. Am I retarded for thinking I am being dicked over here? Why should I be punished (if not being allowed to auction is considered "punishment") for housing an old obsolete gimp auction on this domain? What's worse, is they didn't even state that that is why they are banning me from their services in the first place. They said I made that auction. What the fuck, man?

Can I like, sue them for 4,000,000 dollars I surely would have made on my EQ account that they didn't let me sell from injustices being done to me? If so, I think I want to. I once heard an old lady sued Mickey D's for a million bucks cause their coffee burned her when she spilled the shit on herself. I find my case just as rational. -Ron

Ron History Part V
Blue Sucks, Let's Go Red.
"Ok."

Yet another skip and hop into my fabulous timeline. (Sorry Raist, I am not wanting to delve in the times when you and Dal killed me frequently and res'd Bob afterwards).

Back in the day, as it known in my mind, there was a tight place to hang out in Shame, level one. A massive orc spawn would roll through, and we'd all just hang out, spar with the local grey guy for skill points, and kill off the orcs to fill our banks up with some easy gold. I was noble lord at the time, and had recently lost great lord and my shield in that patch OSI put in that allowed you to accidentally attack people if you double clicked or targeted their speech text. Remember that? You couldn't always highlight and attack someone's words, and OSI never mentioned that in any fucking update. I remember thinking that when I died - some newbie screamed "help" right when I fireballed a zombie in Hythloth. Anyway, ended up fireballing her, and my shield blowing up in my face simultaneously. Luckily Talyn was right by, and he looted me, but Great Lord back then wasn't something you just back got in a few hours of time.

Anyway, In Shame, similar to Serpent's Hold, I had dubbed our crew "The Shame Crew." Basically we were a quad of little smartasses who liked to fuck with anyone and everyone who came through there to take our orcs. After all, we were Noble Lords right? Isn't that how you are supposed to act? GM's in mace and tactics to boot. This wasn't all that common. This Shame Crew consisted of Myself, Osiris, Gideon, and Escobar. Not sure if anyone remembers those names, but I'll tell you, many a great fucking time was had with those fellas shooting the shit and picking on hapless newbies (verbally, we were not grey PKs, we hated PKs, afterall). It was all just for laughs and a good time.

Also at this time, some big name PK crews used to storm through, and of course end our good times. Didn't see Dalamar Bob and Raistlin in there much, none actually. The big names in Shame in this time period were Damn Fool, Blackwolf, Beyond Evil / Balrog, Thanatos, Patriot / MrRidged, KingMegaByte, some other hosehead, and of course the yellow robed freak boys known as the ELVES. I don't recall any of their names, except for Great Elf, who came in there solo a lot shooting meteors. Meteor wasn't something many people could cast, so he was somewhat revered.

PvP wasn't something any of us "Noble Lords" had really learned yet, so pretty much we were all, a bunch of shit talking mama's boys. But daily the time would come, that people would show up dead cursing the names of whichever PK crew was fireballing their way through the dungeon. We wanted to PvP, at least me and Osiris did, but when we would quickly try to organize a defense - the other 14 people who were going to valiantly help us fight the evil Pks would either show up dead, lose connection, or recall off (the most common). Basically it always came down to me and Osiris being left behind alone against 4 dread lords who were quite organized at sending multiple fireballs your way. (Remember also, in this time period, there was no such thing as a casting time. You stood there, pressed a button once and targeted. None of this lame bowing twice and waiting for a cursor crap.) People tended to die really really fast, as 3 people shooting repeated fireballs meant your ass in a millisecond. It really pissed me off to lose my hard earned equipment with Osi(ris) and be the only ones there dead when we had 14 and the enemy was 2 guys. Know the feeling? After going through this daily, I realized 2 things : #1) you couldn't kill a PK with your mace before he killed you with fireballs. #2) You couldn't trust anyone to actually help you fight back, you basically had to just stand there, watch them recall, get in war mode, say "hi" to Blackwolf and Beyond Evil, and then receive thine asswhipping.

Occassionally, we would be on our own in a dungeon, when the others weren't online, and a PK or some PKs would come through. Normally I would just recall at the sight of them, because I considered myself a big panzy in my past PK-fighting attempts. But one night, for some reason, I decided to myself "You know, fuck this, I am going to actually try to fight back. I mean, why not." Great Elf came through one night, and it was my 1st real PvP experience that I can remember. Me vs. Great Elf. (Weenie vs. The Man). I was on my way out of Shame, and he strolled up blasting a meteor into my face, taking all but a hair of my life away. I retreated back a bit off screen, and thought to myself "Hey you know, You could try healing?" In Vas Mani, bam, healed to full. Another Meteor my way. "Whoa, this healing shit works pretty good." In Vas Mani, back to full. Suddenly it's a whole new ballgame man! I am standing in front of a yellow robed dread lord, and he is just standing there dumbfounded. No more spells were shooting at me. I shot my own fireballs back at him, 2 to be exact, and he was at half life. He healed himself back, and I decided it was a good time to recall. He knew the very strategic method of healing. I decided it was best to just leave alive, as he was truly a bad motherfucker.

Me and Osiris decided we were fighting for the wrong side, and wanted to learn how to fight people and kill them consistently, starting first with the people who would always leave us hanging when we'd try to "fight the PKs." Besides all of our shit talking, we were good people. Didn't loot anyone, actually would help get their shit back for them, that sort of thing. We truly (contrary to what I stated earlier) were Noble Lords. And we weren't even roleplaying. When it came time to fight red guys, other blues were more interested in looting other blues before the reds got there. It got quite old. Anyway, it was time for us to do something different. Killing orcs was boring us fast. We would go PK. And it would be good. Unfortunately, Escobar and Gideon weren't into the idea.

In Deceit, we had made friends with an ex-PK, by name of Magnus. At the time he was dastardly (red) and on his way back up that motherfucker of a notoriety ladder to blue. Magnus, being an ex-PK, would surely wish to join us in our efforts. Afterall, he had done it before, and could show us the ropes. After about a week-long decision, it was final. We were all going red, and it was going to be a party. Osi and I were excited as hell man. We had no houses or anything, just our banks and like, a boat or something. Our banks were just packed with our entire UO lives. You know, those precious 10 runes, the FIVE sets of armor, the 3k in gold, and the 75 of each reagent with our 60.2 magery. Magnus owned a goddamn tower. We had never seen, much less stepped inside of a tower before. And Magnus was inviting us to do so. We couldn't refuse. It would be our base. Like real life crimefighters, we would have a headquarters. We were quite excited. We then knew, that in Magnus's hands, we were going to be some bad motherfuckers. Me and Osiris moved all of our things into the tower that night (a chest a piece) and were happy as pie.

It was time to start PKing.

But it's not yet time to tell you about it. Bwaha. - Ron

Bye Bye Messageboard

I finally have gotten fed up with the Tools who lingered there. I feel clean, and I haven't bathed in months. I am sure no one will be sad. If you are disappointed, then you are Bones, so you can fuck off.

He Lives

I would apologize for my lengthy absence, but I have nothing to apologize for. I am pretty sure I have been busy or something. Besides, I beat Greybeard to an update by one day. I feel good knowing I am not the only slacker of the WTF's.

An Update of my past week and a half :

I haven't played AC, yet. Course, I haven't tried to play it again since the previous fruitless attempts. I most likely will not even try, as I have heard the game sucks what in most countries is referred to as "hairy balls."

I was blessed with the oppurtunity of logging into EQ on my brother's computer, and speaking with the Gay Dwarven Paladin and his furry friends. The Homo informed me he has thoughts of selling his 50th level account. I think you should give him an e-mail or 2 and urge him to quit that god-forsaken game. Offer him scads of money, and he'll be your lover for the day.

I finished Might and Magic 7. Joy Joy. One of the easiest games I have played before I believe. I do recommend it though.

Dr. TwisTer has gone AWOL, if you have seen or heard from this man, please contact Robert Stack. He has been missing for a week or so now. I am getting sexually frustrated.

I received this year's Darwin Awards, later tonight I will post them. Not quite as good as last year's, but you'll live.

Nighthawk quit UO for about an hour, then started playing again. This is a prime example of why he deserves hatemail. By all means, spam his box.

I am contemplating ditching the wonderfully shitty messageboard, as it is a haven for idiots that rival even the GWAR 2000. Plus I don't read it, and it is a pox upon all who accidentally load it.

I did a lot of laundry. Actually, I paid some oriental peops down the street at the wash n' fold to clean it. Fuck laundry.

I am moving soon back to the Midwest possibly. I will be busy for the duration of this month, and updates will be slack. Not that it's out of the ordinary or anything.

Zander will roll into cracktown Oaktown this weekend possibly, to buy me drink after drink on his dime. Plus he assured me he'd bring the vaseline. It looks to be a good weekend for my lack-of-Dr. TwisTer-sexual-frustration.

And Last but not least :

My EQ Account Is For Sale

I know you always wanted to be, or touch something that once belonged to me. Kinda like owning a dress still come-stained. I don't have time to give the exact information right now, but on Innoruuk server I have a 40th level Troll Shaman with full rubicite armor and some other goodies I will include later. If you want to just go ahead and offer me a good amount of money, you can do so here. eBay has banned me from their site, so I have to get registered under my brother's ISP within the next few days. Either way, stay tuned for details if buying accounts is "your thing."

I might possibly even throw in my wonderful 92 Chevy Cavalier. It's a real piece of shit. -Ron

"Hmoral" Does Pink Floyd's The Wall
Eloquent Fan Poetry Sung Along With The Band of Bands

Received this in my box, and I gotta say it gave me a good laugh. Familiarity with The Wall is required for any sort of humor value, so if you might want to just skip over this wonderful literature if you don't fit the requirements.

Date: Monday, August 30, 1999 11:19 PM
Subject: hmoral's pink floyd dedication to mickeyd

i think i heard once that you like pink floyd. so maybe you can turn your fans on to them with this.... SUNG TO PINK FLOYDS "ONE OF MY TURNS" OFF OF "THE WALL" -in violation of all applicable laws.

"ONE OF RON'S GERMS"
day after day, i need to see an update.. so i go to wtf man...

and night after night, i pretend its all right... but UO's grown older, and eq's grown duller... and on-line doesnt seem very much fun.... anymore

.i ....can... seeee , one of rons movies coming on.....and .....i.... feel.... confused about shadowbane tight as a virgin (ebay) fly as ladyMOI is to lum....

(exciting part)
GO TO THE WEBSITE IN THE WEB PAGE TO THE RIGHT YOU'LL FIND MY FAVORITE ASS

DONT LOOK SO FRIGHTENED, HE HASNT UPDATED IN DAYS ..AND MAKES JOKES ABOUT GAYS

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY CHESAPEAKE? OR GO TO SLEEP BETWEEN THE SHEETS CUZ IT SEEMS HIS PNUMONIA WONT GO AWAY

WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO SMOKE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN TO FLY?! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ME CRY?! OHHH NOOOOO!!!

(Sound effects of my bashing in my pos computer and cursing out my isp)

THE TRUTH IS HIS WEBSITES TOPS
AND I HOPE HE NEVER STOPS
PLEASE RONNIEEE DONT GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

WTF Is This Asheron's Call Shit

Well, my adventures were to begin this evening in Asheron's Call, and life was to be good. After installing this bad boy, my journey took me to the Microsoft Zone to get some kind of MS Zone software which is required to play. However, after downloading it and installing, all it did on me was keep spamming me with "your user name and password are wrong" and I not one single time got to even type in a fucking user name and password for it to be wrong to start with. What gives you AC junkies? Help me out of this madness. I cannot attempt to connect to AC until this other crap gets working correctly apparently.

So far, in my AC experiences, I find it safe to say that AC has the singlemost retarded and just plain annoying log-in procedure, and I have yet to even try to log into the damned game.

If you have beef with the way EverQuest requires you to log in, just you wait until you try AC. In AC you seem to have to keep your browser open the entire time, after of course surfing through numerous pages to find which wonderful MS Zone game you wish to attempt and fail to play. I sure hope the gameplay makes up for it if gameplay even does exist in Asheron's Call. Apparently though, I am not to find this out for awhile. Whatever happened to like, double clicking an icon on your desktop to play games? I sure do miss that.

Let Us Now Have A Moment Of Silence

And thank the Lord for allowing such brilliant movies as Pulp Fiction to exist on our wonderful planet Earth.

By Popular Demand - Ron History Continues
(Beware - Written In [choppy] Stream of Thought)

Part 3 - The Serpent's Hold Crew

Guess I am a tad late on it, but as said earlier, better late than never. Notice I said also this is part 3, I decided I wanted it to be like Star Wars, and I'd just skip part 2 for now, and return to it later. I think I left off on my first day of UO, but now I think I'll skip around in my amazing UO lifetime and find the most pathetic and boring portions, in an effort to make you click on a link to another site to avoid wasting time reading the mushy-eyed heart-felt memories of an old UO has-been.

I am still not even sure what I had written on the "First Day of UO" ( I linked it, but I didn't re-read it...That involves too much work), but I guess now I will just hop into my lifetime somewhere around the 2nd day on.

I had the shittiest computer known to man, I do remember indicating that much. And when I say shitty, I mean shitty, not just your everyday average shitty. For instance : I was completely incapable to outrun anything, NPC, PC, anything. This made for quite a shitty time traveling with one of my 3 friends (I had ICQ, but with 4 on it - Dalinthor, my ex boss / Steeljack, aka "Budgood", / Talyn, just a guy me and Steeljack met who was as newbie as us and had as good a sense of humor/and Cobra, my first UO aquaintance who actually had ICQ). Basically every adventure I got myself into ended up in a monster being too powerful, and my ass being unable to outrun anything, always managing to get severely mutilated, be it by the hands of a hardass headless, a black bear, or your everyday orc, and them having to run and get my shit (since they, possessing normal computers, could get away from hairy situations). Did I mention I tend to write in really long windy sentences? Well, I do (incase you hadn't yet figured this out).

Anyway, back in this timeframe, Serpent's Hold had yet to be occupied by like, any living soul, so we made our home there. This would end up being our money supply for years to come. Conveniently placed on the southern part of the island, there was a chest in a guard house that spawned like 5 pieces of armor and an occassional weapon, every 30 minutes. There were also the luscious vacant training dummies, which in every other town had at least 97 people per dummy. In between hitting the training dummies for 30 minutes, we'd sprint down to that chest, pick it with our lockpicks, and grab the shit inside of it (not steal it mind you, if you used stealing, the guards would cleave you another asscheeck), then sell the goods, and head back up and continue on the dummies. Finally we saved up enough for a boat (we got to SH on one we found ownerless, which back in that day, was a rare find). Bear in mind also SH had no bank at this point either, so we'd have to haul all of our mula over to Trinsic or Vesper.

After having been inside of such dungeons as Covetous and Destard (I mentioned I had a shitty computer) and not being able to see anything except a solid black screen - I had to rule dungeons out of my adventuring itinerary. This left me with one option for raising skills (well, since it was conveniently placed near SH) - Hythloth Island. Not the dungeon of course, but the rest of the island. Orcs would spawn, Ettins, Rat Men, Headless, you name it. It was a zoo for skill points. This is where the tracking skill became my favorite skill. I would track, find something to kill or to avoid, etc. However, It was also a zoo for Fire Elementals, Daemons, and Drakes, which if I ever encountered, always meant death since I could not outrun anything. Back in this day ( I will say this was around October 97) Fire Elementals killed you basically with one lightning bolt. Luckily for me, there was always that shrine located on the upper part of the island, so at death it always meant about an hour walk up there, and then back to my body to die a few more times to the same thing that killed me previously because it wanted to hang around at my body.

I never, ever, ever encountered any other living people on this island other than Steel, Cobra, or Dalinthor. We were basically a trio of pimps who owned 2 islands (who died a lot on 2 islands trying to learn how to play).

However, time went on, we got richer (they got richer, I continued to die a lot and use their boats), and more people slowly trickled onto Serpents Hold Island. Now I am not sure if there are any *ancient* Baja-ites still reading this site, but to list a few names of what I dubbed "The Serpents Hold Crew" we had such people as Kerosion/Talmakh, Jill Fox, The Captain, Wandering Idiot, Robybeck, and Jasleth to name a few. These were quite golden days, except there was always this little cocksucker named Notorious B I G who found our chest spot, and would camp it for 24 hours for the rest of my UO career. That fucker would be at work, camping it on his computer there, at home, camping it, just always there at my god damned chest. He would become my first enemy, but that's another story.

I made quick friends with this group of people, and I quickly learned that they were gods, and I was a little newbie. Wandering Idiot was definitely the first person I had ever seen who was GM Mage.(though at this point he wasn't GM mage yet). Hell I didn't even have a spellbook at this point in time. Everyday, he and Kerosion and whoever would be down on the southern part of the islands, either summoning earth elementals to fight for skill, or dropping para fields for resisting spells. These guys were some hardasses, and my "not being able to see in dungeons/not able to outrun a goddamned thing" ass telling them about how I just hit 58 strength and 45 mace skill became a quick mooch to their expert tutelage. Plus they could just throw up this blue oval thing and instantly be at whatever store they wanted in whichever town they wanted or dungeon they wanted. It was quite freaky to me. I was certainly awe inspired. It was good to be friends with such powerful people.

They took me to many new and wonderful places to lose my corpse at, and introduced me to what would become the most hated trio of PKs who without a doubt killed me more times than you can count on a calculator in my early life - Dalamar, Bob, and Raistlin. Red people were not things you saw with regularity, and these guys, were as red as it got. Matter of fact, they at this point were the only reds I had ever seen. And let me tell you, they kicked the ever living dogshit out of anyone and everything wherever they went. Whack with the halberd once or twice, an occassional fireball, and you were stuck unable to see anything whatsoever in a dungeon with your punk ass shitty ass monitor and computer.

Tomorrow or the next day, I'll tell you all about it in my first battle with PKs - SH Crew/Mad Bombers vs. Dalamar, Bob, and Raistlin.
It, too, is when my life actually became, well, interesting. After reading all of this garble, I bet you are hoping for something to get interesting soon. But guess what? I suckered you into waiting on another update. Bwahaha. - Ron

The More Current State of Shit