September Archives

Big things coming soon
So keep your eyes open - [Greybeard]

Two major announcements for you:

1. UOEvil will soon be taken down for good. Does that mean Greybeard is going away? Of course not. It's just that Ron, Nighthawk and myself are getting off of our collective asses and finally putting the "wtfman.com" root page together. Soon you will be able to find your three favorite opinonated pricks under the same roof.

2. On a much more exciting note, I am spearheading a joint program between the biggest and best UO fansites out there. We are all quite frankly sick and tired of things like this last silly-assed patch coming at us out of the blue and want OSI to once and for all hear the players voices. This is going to be big... REALLY big. All the participating sites will feature our coalition logo as well as links to our polling and information page.

And finally, I'm back in UO again. The original Greybeard account is long gone, but I recently picked up two already established accounts. Now I get to waste time on Europa, Lake Superior, Atlantic amd Chesapeke as well. Of course I cant say I am overly thrilled with some of my character names, its a helluva lot nicer than building from scratch. What the hell, I am still the "Butt-Naked Avenger" underneath.

You better speak now
Because this one wont be easy to undo - [Greybeard]

People, dont wait until your home and the thousands of items you have worked your asses off for inside it are wiped clean. This new policy on item decay they are proposing is BIG.. and I mean HUGE. You need to get off your duff and e-mail them your concerns TODAY. Dont wait until its too late. Case in point, I shot a letter off to Lady MOI, Runesabre, SunSword and Calandryll expressing my two cents:

Subject: It's the French Revolution all over again

Greybeard of UOEvil here.

Not that I am not an optimist here, but this plan of "Let them eat cake, provided that they store it in a secured chest so it doesnt decay" is going to put someones head in on the chopping block big time.

You guys cant be serious about this. I only pray that your vague description of phase III left out additional and highly critical details. If you implement this patch exactly as you have stated, this isnt just shooting yourself in the foot, its shooting yourself in the foot with a freaking howitzer. I mean, lets look at the hows and whys of it:

Ok, fine idea. Lots of people have tons of junk in their houses and clearing some of it out would certainly help. Here is the problem though. As this reads, the only chest you will be able to store items in is a secure chest. That basically means the only real storage you have is 400 stones/125 items (for most people anyway who only own small homes, and that’s a ton of people. Its not like everyone can run out and buy a tower now) What about:

Alchemists: especially those who run vendors.. You guys have not made it possible to stack potions so hell, a couple days inventory worth of potions ( I sold over 100+) potions a day on mine easily) screws you.

Mages/Alchemists: Reagent shopping is a pain. Many people stockpile their reagents to cut down on the need to shop, and it doesnt take a big stockpile to fill a chest or two. Many people also dont even USE chests. I and many people I know stack them on tables so they are easy to see and inventory.

Blacksmiths/Miners: Some of these guys go through some major ingots and alas, dont always keep them in chests, many times out of necessity due to their volume. And if you run a vendor, you have to keep some items prepped and ready to go. Doesnt take many halberds and sets of plate to load up a chest.

Adventurers: How many recall runes does the average person have? Probably a lot. Can some be cut down on? Sure. But this is going to force a ton of people to eliminate hundreds of runes. Major inconvenience here. Hell, just to have a rune to every major city and dungeon is going to require over 30 runes, and that alone kills 25% of the item count in a secure chest.

I am confident there are many more examples out there... my readers have already started filling my mailbox with complaints about this. I cant stress this to you enough: Do not blindly impliment this change without polling your customers. And no, this does not mean listening to an idiot or two on the message boards. RUN A POLL! This is a major and dramatic change you guys are proposing. Dont jump into this hastily. Trust me on this, people are PISSED off about this. I mean highly pissed. This is even a more controversial issue than stat loss here

I can only hope you have already considered this, and that line about secure chests was merely a poorly made example. At a minimum, contents in containers that are locked down should be decay-proof. Otherwise, stackable items (gold, reagents, ingots, arrows, cloth, etc) need to be an exception to this rule and should be able to be left out in the open without decay. Potions need to finally be made stackable to fit into this category also. You guys also need to finally fix this whole rune issue also. As I see it, these two fixes are mandatory before you can proceed with this decay issue at all.

Lots of people (including myself) love this game. Do not deal it a thoughtless blow and move forward with this patch as it stands. I know you cannot please all of the people all of this time, but there is alot at stake with this deal and the consequences if you get it wrong, will be severe. Don't think that by giving out a couple free hair dye jobs the week before and the occasional crystal ball that you are going to make over 100,000 people forget that you just screwed them out of hundreds, if not thousands of personal posessions they have worked very hard to accumulate.

Greybeard

http://www.wtfman.com/uoevil

Pearls from the message board
My two cents on the matter - [Greybeard]

I found this on the message board and felt you should have a look:

You are correct, it was not an OSI rep, but then again I never said it was. The only reason I mentioned the incident was because I found it funny that morons who use language like that are hanging out in the room, and I end up being the one who gets whacked like Hitler at a barmitzvah just for walking in. I have often accused Origin of being stupid but I dont think they are racist. Also, do me a favor. Next time you post on my board, have enough of a spine to tell us who you are. I never liked people who need the protection of anonymity to make their points. Stand up, be proud, tell the world "My name is ______ and you can all kiss my ass!" Thats how Arnold would have done it.

Don't make me hurt you
Guido and Mario are ready to come visit you now - [Greybeard]

But I can tell them to stash the lead pipe and hatchet, providing that you do this one little thing. You see, my main man Scott Kurtz author of the PVP comic strip is looking to get his 15 minutes of fame over at Worldcharts. This means you must VOTE here for him. You must also tell your friends to VOTE for him. You must tell your friends to tell their friends to VOTE for him. Cause' if you dont, Guido and Mario are gonna have some lunch then come get medieval on your ass. So VOTE and forgeddabout it.

Tea anyone?
The original teabag article has been found - [Greybeard]

This is the article as it appeared on Gamerazor last year (thanks for the sending it in!)

Mystery Ion Storm Exec Admits To "Teabagging" Lord British's Keyboard

During a recent interview, one of the top executives from the Dallas, Texas based game company ION Storm admitted to "teabagging" Richard Garriot's keyboard on a visit to Origin Systems several months ago. The practice, which involves a man resting his testicles gently on another person's property, is apparently sweeping the electronic gaming community.

The exec--who requested anonymity--claims that after leaving a secret business meeting held on the grounds of Origin's corporate complex in Austin, Texas, he made his way to Lord British's office for the sole purpose of teabagging Garriot's keyboard. "We've had a little war going on in our Dallas office for a while," said the ION Storm exec. "If someone pisses you off, you get even with them by teabagging their chair, desk, keyboard or even their coffee mug after they leave for the night. Then you tell them about it a couple of days down the road. I was annoyed by what had gone on in the meeting, so I made my way down to the area around LB's office. All the Ultima 9 guys were out in the parking garage looking at Garriot's new minivan, so I just walked into his office, pulled open the leg of my shorts and rested 'my boys' there on the keys."

Another nameless game developer claims that the practice alleviates stress. "I do it all the time now. Mostly to the marketing people at my company. I've also done it to a number of keyboards while visiting the offices of various game industry journalists. I feel better as soon as I do it--it just makes it easier to deal with the stress. Once you know, secretly, that you have teabagged someone, nothing they do bothers you any more."

If you like UOEVIL
You're a twisted fuck, but then again so are these folks - [Greybeard]

Two sites I definately encourage you to visit...

The Azile Witch Project - Broomstick not included.

The Chosen - The breakfast (and smartass UO commentary) of champions

Fun with our Psychic Friends
Lets see what the UO players are really thinking - [Greybeard]

I read today about a UO players gathering in Seattle recently and thought it would be entertaining to analyze some of its participants and see what was really on their minds.

The Psychic Friends Network meets Seattle UO Players

(Note, if you appear in one of the following pictures and are upset by it, understand that this is all in good fun and not intended to embarrass or humiliate. If that still doesnt make you feel better, then tough nuts jerky... deal with it.)

Class is in session
Teabagging 101 - [Greybeard]

I have had a couple people ask me what I meant when I said "Tune in next time when I crash Origins headquarters in Austin and teabag a few keyboards" in an earlier update. That was essentially a joke referring to an article I found last year titled "Mystery Ion Storm Exec admits to "teabagging" Lord British's Keyboard." I have been trying to find that original piece which was posted over at Gamerazor and have had no luck so far. It was quite humorous and I would love to repost it. In any event, one of the Ion Storm guys allegedly "teabagged" Garriots keyboard. What is "teabagging" you ask? It is the time honored art of a man gently resting his testicles upon another mans property without his knowledge. Imagine somones surprise if while they are in the middle of enjoying a cup of Tasters Choice you blurt out "You know, my sack was dangling on your cup just a few moments ago." Sure it's disgusting, but it is also funny as hell providing that you arent on the recieving end of the "teabag" in question. If anyone knows there wherabouts of that old article please let me know.

Parody is a great form of flattery
Or a really nasty insult, depends on how you look at it - [Greybeard]

In any event, this new UO parody page is definately worth a look. Check out:

Ultima Online as you have never seen it before.

Equal time for the other side
A viewer writes, and disagrees - [Greybeard]

I posted a letter recieved by SillyLady the other day which slammed Jessica Mulligan for the same reasons that I slammed Lady MOI. I recieved a letter from Nastor of Pacific stating his thoughts on the matter so I felt it only right print his as well.

Greybeard,

I work in online games, so I check out Lum and Twister every so often. Saw
you on Lums board, followed the link to UOEvil and saw the bit about Jessica
Mulligan.

Don't know who SillyLady is, but she sure doesn't know Jessica. I worked
with her at Interplay for two years. She's been in online games forever and
play them all. Her column on Happy Puppy, Biting the Hand, is required
reding for everyone here.

When I took this job last year, she got me started in several online games.
Including UO. Taught me the interface, helped me hunt the sewers,
introduced me to the KOP.

I don't know how GOOD she is, but she does know how to play the game.
Sounds like SL is just someone with an ax to grind.

Nastor of Pacific

Good point Nastor, thanks for submitting that. While on the subject of Jessica, I didnt realize when I posted SillyLady's mail that this was the same Jessica that runs the "Biting the Hand" column over at Happy Puppy. I got to tell you folks, she owns me. Upon reading her latest rant, "The Marching Morons" I almost could swear she was reading my mind. If you have never read her work before, be sure to go take a look.

Opinions are like assholes
Everyone has one and they usually stink - [Greybeard]

While checking out Lum's message board, I happened across a thread that was discussing my recent "Fun with IRC" event. I found 2 comments that were ignorant enough to warrant a reply so I thought I would share them with you.

Computer love
Married? If so then maybe tech support can help you too - [Greybeard]

MACHIAVELLI of Baja submitted this one to me. Trust me, if I knew the e-mail address of this tech support department I would have contacted them a while back myself :)

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included in the brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys', Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?

Thanks Joe

*************

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that the latter is merely a 'Utilities & Entertainment' program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than on the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support'. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command "c:/apologize". In any case avoid excessive use of the 'Escape' key because ultimately you will have to give the "apologize" command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Some people are now preferring to install Partner 1.0 or Companion 1.0, these being equivalent programs.

The installation of these more modern operating systems can permit everything that Wife 1.0 offers, but without having to commit to a license agreement. It also frees the users from some of the restrictions on input/output ports and can, under some circumstances, free the user to install A Bit On The Side 1.1 or variants such as Toy Boy 2.0. This is in line with modern open systems, but does require more vigilance on the part of the user to ensure that viruses and other unwelcome intrusions do not occur. Generally, this means the installation of some anti-virus software such as Condom 3.2. None of this was generally necessary when using Wife 1.0 except for the possibility of expansion of the motherboard. All sorts of problems could then ensue.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Viewer mailbag
What do some of our fans have to say today - [Greybeard]

SillyLady writes:

While I had to giggle at OSI's panic when you were discovered in their
precious #uo-council room - I have to laugh even harder, because I went to
your page and read your musings:)

I simply loved the Monica vs Lady Moi statement:)

Something else you should know:)

Durga, aka Jessica Mulligan the external volunteer whatever she is...doesn't
know how to play the game either:)

Now I think that's even funnier than Lady Moi who doesn't even know how to
play the game:)

SL

Filious writes:

Did you know that the entire Dev Team for Everquest plays charecters ? Even the lead producer and president do. If OSI did that i think they would have a better handle on things and would fix what needs to be fixed (alchemist spam and whatnot). OSI is the main reason I switched to EQ.

Filious

Jinx writes:

Hey,

Reading your little retort to the disgruntled fan. He said something to the effect that "Garriott didnt even hire her..."

Well actually he did. I talked to her at the NYC Luncheon and Garriott came up to her and talked to her about working at origin at some software show. He liked her "carlypoints" campaign (dont ask) and wanted her to head up the OSI Online realtions thingie. So technically, garriott did hire her.

As long as we are speaking technically, I gotta tell you, that technically she is the Community Relations person for all of Origin and not specifically UO. She does work with UO but she was also hired to oversee Ascension and other upcoming titles. So, really she only oversees the person dedicated to UO which is Calandryll.

Whats this all mean? Fuck if I know, but thats how she explained all that shit to me in NY. Nice IRC update on the site, very funny.

Jinx

Note to Jinx: I was aware that her responsibilities extended beyond UO, hence I always said she was unqualified "as it pertains to UO" I still find the fact that she knows next to nothing about her product terribly ironic. How many times do you walk into a Ford dealer, find a salesman and ask them "Hey, how much is that new Mustang outside?" and they say "Uhh.. whats a Mustang?"

Fun with IRC
Fur flies when I invade OSI's support server - [Greybeard]

Last night thanks to the assitance from my man man Eli over at Oswegosucks.com, I popped into the #uo-council room on the origin.beyondirc IRC server, with Ops status no less. Needless to say the GM’s and counselors there were a bit surprised to see the Butt-Naked one himself among them. Here are some brief logs of how it went (thanks again to Eli for the help busting their chops as well as with the logs).

Ahh.. I see, dear Teserax decided to kick and ban me. How nice of him... Meanwhile in DCC chat...

Ok, now its time to go back and pay dear Teserax a visit.

Punt! I got kicked and banned again. Meanwhile back in DCC chat...

OK, so through the magic of proxy servers and a man on the inside, I make it back in for yet a 3^rd time. This time they are waiting on me and show me the door before I have a chance to even say "howdy!"

This time its WAR. I figure if the rude bastards are gonna ban me, this time I’m taking a couple of em with me.

Here we see the ever friendly Glamdring ratting me out to the IRC cops (ironically enough, I only popped into their channel to chat and say say hello and yet I get kicked and banned. Glam has people in his channel gleefully calling people "Niggers" and yet I’m the one who he targets.) Figures. Thats it, no more Mr. Nice Greybeard.

Punt! Larelian finally got me and k-lined my proxy. Oh well, its OSI hospitality at its finest. I went in for a pleasant chat and they wanted to be pricks. Dats ok, since I can be a prick as well. In the end I managed to kick and ban at least 3 or 4 of the whiney bastards off of their own server before going out in a blaze of glory.

Tune in next time when I crash Origins headquarters in Austin and teabag a few keyboards....

Profit 101
Doing the New Math with OSI - [Greybeard]

Today while lounging in #ultima-online on stratics, I ended up debating about macroing with a couple people, one tool in particular by the name of Magica (or something like that) kept trying to argue with me that OSI's stance on macroing had nothing to do with money at all. Unfortunately, many people out there still dont know the truth about why Origin is now so firmly against macroing. Lets look at the basic equasion (all these numbers are rough estimates, and probably conservative ones at that.)

The fact is that Origin is a business like any other company. Also like any other company they have overhead. Programmers, lawyers, accountants, secretaries, hardware, software, expense accounts, etc etc. Bottom line is that it costs them so much per month to stay in business. Last I heard, Ultima Online had about 130,000 active subscribers. Lets put a number on their overhead per customer. Bandwith costs, programming, gamemasters, customer support, hardware upgrades, all that costs them 10 cents per hour, per customer to maintain lets say. Now lets say hypothetically that their anti-macroing tactics makes an average impact of 5 fewer hours macroed per month, per customer.  Add it up.

5 hours at 10 cents per hour = 50 cents per customer, per month x 130,000 customers = $65.000.00 monthly savings for OSI, or roughly $780.000.00 per year. Thats over three quarters of a million dollars per year extra revenue in their pockets,   just for cutting down on macroing! And these are just estimates. The actual dollar amount is probably far greater than this. Imagine if they eliminated macroing completely? Those numbers make a end of the year profit statement look pretty good. So Origin, do us all a favor and stop bullshitting us. Game balance my ass, macroing is about money. Period.

Now why doesnt OSI simply come out and tell us this? Easy. They sold you a game that promised essentially "unlimited access" and to tell you that you have to cutback on your playtime so Garriott can go build another castle would legally get them in the stew. So what do they do? Easy, just change the rules so that macroing is illegal. That way if they ban you for it, its a ban resulting from your violation, NOT theirs. Can it be more clear? Just look at section 18 of the Rules of Conduct:

18) You will not do anything else that interferes with the ability of other Ultima Online users to enjoy playing the game in accordance with its rules, or that increases the expense or difficulty of Origin in maintaining the Ultima Online Service for the enjoyment of all its users.

Its all about the Benjamins baby, and how they can legally make more of em. End of story.

Enough bitching
Now for a solution - [Greybeard]

A open note to OSI:

There is really an easy way to fix this. I mean, there has to be a price point where a person could be online 24/7 and Origin would still make an acceptable profit. How much is it? $11.95? $13.95? $15.95? Rather than potentially losing good, mostly veteran players (how many newbies you know that macro?) Allow them to "upgrade". Call it the "UO Pro Account" or "Veterans Account".. give it any gimpy name you want, but I guarantee you that there are thousands of people out there who are disgusted with your policy and consider macroing to be a neccesary part of their gameplay. I also guarantee you that many of them would pay a little more each month to do so, rather than quit. I know I would have. Dont believe me? Fine. Keep banning players who you consider to be "unprofitable". Keep forcing veteran players to deal with silly assed solutions. Sooner or later there will be hell (or shareholders) to pay and you are going to find yourselves losing subscribers faster than you can sign em.

A disgruntled fan speaks
And of course, I reply - [Greybeard]

Out of the many compliments I have gotten on my Lady MOI rants, I recieved one mail from a fellow who was very unhappy with me over it. Here is his mail along with my reply.

Crimson Dragon writes:

...on the Lady Moi thing.

I'm kind of glad Carly doesn't play the game. It makes her completely unbiased in her recommendations to the development team. If she had a GM alchemist, she would have the desire to pitch Alchemy to the dev team over what most other users want.

Since she doesn't play, she simply reports the largest complaints and requests. While that may not be what we want, its certainly how the world has always worked. The wheels that squeak get the grease.

Well Joe, I never came out and said that Lady MOI, or "Carly" as you call her blew Richard Garriot. (though if I personally were going to blow someone, a guy worth many million of dollars and owns a couple castles would be a good start) It’s all in the name of humor. You might disagree, but over 99% of the people who have mailed me thought it was funny and hell and complimented me on it. I wanted to "trash it" as you say because I felt (and still feel now) that having OSI put someone in charge of community relations as it pertains to UO that knows nothing about the game, is a complete fucking joke and typical of the stupid shit that OSI does. If Origin put someone on the project who was really in tune with their product and took a more active roll in feedback gathering than "looking at a message board now and then" perhaps our squaking would be heard and acted upon.

It's all fun and games
Until someone loses an eye... or worse - [Greybeard]

Here we see a pic of a friendly soccer match held at last months "Austin UO Player Convention"  The game was a matchup of "Dev Team Members" vs "Frustrated UO Players". Here we see a fellow who PK's on Atlantic expressing his displeasure over stat loss and the recent insta-logging debacle to one of the Dev Team members unlucky enough to be playing defense that day.

Pic courtesy of Angela (she's pretty fly for a goth chick) so be sure to visit her site.

Excuse me sir..
But whose face is that in your lap? - [Greybeard]

Recently I have taken quite a bit of mail regarding my statement that Lady MOI is seemingly unqualified to hold her position at Origin as it pertains to UO. Even more controversy has stemmed from my question "Just who did she have to blow to get here?" Well, being the impartial guy that I am I decided to present the facts here for you to review and decide what exactly is going on.

Conspiracy, or Coincidence?

You be the judge!

The slacker lives
Kind of - [Greybeard]

I am proud to say that I have taken the title of "King of Slackers" from Ron. (and I assure you that was no easy feat) Being far removed from UO since I sold my account, I've had little new to report on the game. I mean, like there is anything new? The anti-macroing rhetoric continues, Origin continues to do stupid shit like preventing Reds from insta-logging (while not telling us mind you) then changes their mind and announces that they are bringing insta logging back (Hey OSI, how about you actually ASK the players what they want and get it right the first time?)

Speaking of asking the people what they want, I listened to Lady MOI's interview over at the Battle Vortex today. Once again, the incredulous ignorance of OSI completely floors me. Not to take anything away from Lady MOI, since she sounds to be fairly bright.. but there is absolutely NO way in hell she should be in the position she is in there. Lets look at the facts here:

She is in charge basically of relations between OSI and the players of UO. She deals with customer feedback and support, monitors message boards, keeps an eye on various UO fan sites, etc etc. Essentially, she is the closest liason we the gaming public have to Origin.

AND SHE DOESNT EVEN PLAY THE FUCKING GAME

She said (and I quote) "I played the game a little back in Febuary" as well as "I log on as a newbie occasionally to see how people treat me."  No wonder OSI continues to screw the pooch. Poll UO players to see what they want? Send out e-mail asking for opinions? Oh nooo.. that would provide us with far too accurate of a response.. Wait, I've got it! Lets take someone who knows absolutely nothing about the integral workings of the game and have them read messageboards controlled by whiners and use THAT to dictate policy! What a brilliant idea....

Give me 1 hour alone in a locked room with the Dev team.. thats all I ask, 1 lousy hour... Better yet, maybe I should start doing some Real Audio interviews with the people at Origin.. Heh, you would be able to hear em squeal all the way back to Austin. Doesnt even play the game.. I'm sorry, but I would have had to interrupted with "And you don't even play the game?....then just who did you have to blow to end up here?" What can I say, I lack Fear's tact...