July Archives

Its time to party with Fluffy
Fluffy III available to the public tomorrow night - [Greybeard]

Thats right folks, Fluffy the PK Chicken part III will be available for download tomorrow night at midnight EST. Myra Mains has came through and put together the best Fluffy yet, so be sure to check it out!

Life on the PK trail
Adventures of the Butt-Naked Avenger pt 2 - [Greybeard]

After dealing with a nasty bout of stat loss, our fearless murderer Greybeard got with the crew and  went back into action.

Noone was safe from our rampage as we scoured the lands. Even poor barbie and Ken fell to our wrath. (and when we find Tickle Me Elmo and GI Joe, you better believe their asses are ours also)

Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse I always say. Moral of the story? Dex monkeys + Orc Lords + naked 0 AR murderers   = another satisfied EZ Macros customer. Maybe one of these days I can tell a story where I actually dont die at the end....

Youre in the big house now baby
Everybody in the whole cell block, was PKing to the jail house rock - [Greybeard]

Got this in my mailbag today...

Greetings Greybeard,

This is without a doubt the single most incredible thing that has ever  happened to me throughout the breadth of my UO career.  This morning, on the  Catskills server, it appeared as though the entire PC population of the  Britain subserver was teleported to jail.  One moment, we were all enjoying  server war around Brit Cemetary.  The next minute, I'm in jail with 40 other  confused, irate players.   After a while, myself and three others were  teleported to a seperate room adjoining the one where all the other players  were.  All spells were disabled, so we could not recall out.  A very apologetic Counselor Videre explained that he didn't know how we got here, and furthermore couldn't teleport us out.  After a long while, he told us that our player names and character ID's were being written down for further questioning, and GM Lint arrived.  It would appear that some SRC is going to get his balls nailed to the proverbial wall for doing it, whether it was a sick joke or just an honest mistake remains to be seen.  Enclosed are pictures to help you get a better idea of the total mayhem that ensued.

Regards,
Arcturus
Squire to the Arch Lich
Undead Lords

P.S. Greybeard, plug my guild!  We're damn Evil.
http://www.groonesworld.com/UDL

(ok, so consider yerself plugged :P)

Here we see the confused band of adventurers in jail

Here we see the kiddies playing nice while they wait to find out what the fuck just happened.

Groovy new utility
This one is a must have for the UOA user - [Greybeard]

This program I believe has been around for a bit, but I just stumbled across it recently. It allows you to loop your UOA macros over and over (a feature that was deleted from UOA when it got its UO Pro approval) This program is a direct download from wtfman and is fully functional and virus free. Check out UOAForever

Life on the PK trail
Adventures of the Butt-Naked Avenger pt 1 - [Greybeard]

He had the looks, he had the attitude, and more importantly he had that groovy deer mask... Unfortunately he was also naked.

Needless to say, being butt-naked may be a liberating way to express ones self, but it offers poor protection when battling dex-monkeys in Deceit.

*Note to self* - Repeatedly casting e-bolts on a guy with a sheild of spell reflection is also a bad idea...

Well shit happens, and we all cant expect to live forever. The bearded one did however manage to rack up about 150 kills and a 19.8k bounty during the week before doing a face plant. Not bad for a naked old guy. In any event, Greybeard has not given up his pursuit of loot, and has gotten on the "Richard Simmons Macroing to the Oldies" program.

After a couple days of training I am happy to say that the bearded one is back in action and is ready to begin spreading joy to the community and can expected in a dungeon near you this afternoon. Viva la' EZ Macros!

Speaking of macroing
Editorial rant of the month - [Greybeard]

I would even go so far as to say that the day I log in and find that I’ve gotten a ban (even as short as 24 hours) for macroing, is the day I cancel my account. I enjoy many things about the game, but if OSI cant find a way to make an acceptable profit without forcing me to sit here hours on end mouse clicking like a trained chimp, then they don’t need my business.

Who says the dead cant rise?
My main man man Zander is back from the grave - [Greybeard]

The virtual crack cocaine that is UO has hooked him once again. Be sure to check out one of my favorite mofo's out there at:

The Warcouncil

And the truth comes out
And the Bullshit meter pegs redline - [Greybeard]

The little spiel I mentioned earlier about John McIntire of Atlantic you will notice, has been deleted. Why? A friend contacted me via ICQ and mentioned that he knew of John, and that he was simply a tinkerer who never left his house. Needless to say with this info in hand I felt pressing the ol delete button was in order. I am curious though as to who so far has managed to pull off the highest known bounty or number of kills. Anyone having some legitimate info on this drop me a line.

The newbie makes his mark
Greybeard gets his groove on - [Greybeard]

Some of my pals on LS who run full time perma-red killers had asked me to put together a red of my own so I said what the hell, and decided to macro up a baby Greybeard  to play as a murderer.

  aww.. isnt the little fella  sooo cute?

I'm happy to say that baby Greybeard (while still a gimp in need of more macroing) has now begun making his mark in the world.

I have noticed 2 things about murdering now that is different from murdering back in the day. One being that tons of people dont bother reporting you for murder and two, even fewer post bounties on you. I anxiously went to the bounty board in town expecting to see maybe 200 kills and 50k in bounty money listed only to see the above message, making me look like a gimp rookie PK (which I am dammit, I just know  I killed a helluva lot more than 49 mofo's in the past few days) Ah well, noone ever making fame and fortune as a bloodthirsty monster was easy.

Preach on my brotha'
I couldn't have wrote it better myself - [Greybeard]

I have to thanks Hans Moleman for this great link. Be sure to check out:

The Asshole List

New links added
Check em out - [Greybeard]

First, some additions to my personal links section...

The Overclockers Headquarters A great tech and info page

r33t.org Wholesome r33tness for the entire family

Newgrounds Not for the timid or faint of heart

And now the UO links

Crasher, Smasher and Slasher Real audio UO commentary

Another Mad Tower An excellent hand drawn UO comic

Hector the Weird Well, he is...

SUN a Catskills guild

Finally...
The UOEVIL MP3 server is back online - [Greybeard]

At long last, I finally semi-sorta organized the uploads section and put the server back together. Here is a list of the MP3's presently available. It is a private archive exclusively for my fans here at UOEVIL. Access is granted only via e-mail request only and non-uploading gimps need not apply.

Everybody out of the pool!
Hey, why is the water warm over here?- [Greybeard]

Granted it was a warm summer day and the temperature was off the chart, but sometimes people go too far seeking refreshment.

Pic courtesy of Caramon Fey

Help Wanted
Career opportunities for UO gimps - [Greybeard]

Often I wondered what some of the people I meet in UO do for a living, since they lack the social skills to function in a virtual society like ours how can they get by in the real one? I stumbled across a pic that reassures me that even the dimmest KooL DewD out there can still have a satisfying career

Money doesnt grow on trees
But assholes sure seem to - [Greybeard]

I have often wondered where all the violence in UO stems from. Why cant people just get along? Well, I dont have to wonder too long since inevitably some dork always makes the answer apparent. Last night i'm in the Deceit liche room. Not stealing from or killing anyone, just happily dressed up in my gimp ringmail meleeing some liches for $$. So i'm there about 10 minutes and doing well when some putz named Tasselhoff comes in. He procedes to walk up to the liche i'm fighting, pull out a weapon and attack it. He then goes so far as to grab the loot afterwards. I ask him "Excuse me, does something give you the impression that I need help here?" to which he says nothing. Another liche spawns and he attacks again. Now he's beginning to annoy me. I say "Listen man, how bout you show some common courtesy and not interrupt my hunt" and again, he says nothing. Next I tell him "Listen dude, you should press on before I have to take a count on you"

His response? "Go ahead kill me... if you can..." Wrong answer buddy. Another chap walked in right about then so I asked him "Hey, you mind if I kill this dickhead?" and he replied "Not at all, go for it." So at that point I took off my gimp ringmail and strolled over to where Tasselhoff was defiantly standing, apparently anxious to fight me.

"Vas Ort Flam..."

So a bit later i'm back at my house dropping off the loot which I retrieved from Tasselhoff's corpse and wondering where do assholes like this come from? With inconsiderate and cocky pricks like this walking around, its no wonder that the entire shard isnt one big clusterfuck of bloodshed. If only they required an IQ test to play UO, it would be a happier world indeed. Ah well, at least I got a nice bit of loot and a lovely new skull to mount over my fireplace.

Sing along with Greybeard!
"Mamma's dont let your babies grow up to be retards" - [Greybeard]

We all know that message boards can be informative and entertaining, they can also unfortunately be a haven for every opinionated loudmouthed and ignorant asshole out there. Normally I see a wide ranging amount of that sort of thing on my board but pay it no mind. Recently however I had an exchange with a fellow that exposed a degree of stupidy so extreme that I felt the story needed front page recoginition. Sit back and enjoy...

Now here is the best part. As you can see, Misery (aka Malice Dragon on Lake Superior I believe) posted yet another challenge at 7:04 pm. I replied exactly 1 hour later. Immediately after I posted my response I said fuck it, I am going to kick this guys ass on principle alone. I looked him up via ICQ and messaged him telling him basically to forget the cash. I am tired of his ignorant ass on my messae board and I'll duel him right now, this moment, simply name the place. Guess what he responded with?

"Ok sure, but I cant duel right now, my account got banned"

WTF!?!? You have been whining/crying/bitching for two straight days about fighting me, and then your account convienently gets banned in the past hour, right when I finally agree to duel you on your terms? You have got to me fucking kidding me. Are you really this damn stupid, or do you have to work at it? I mean for God's sake man, come out and say "Ok, I know I''ll get owned so I dont want to duel now" or even "I'm sorry, I was just talking mindless bullshit and never had any intention of dueling you." This little ass-pirate even asked "What, you dont believe me?" Oh yeah, I believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy too.

Loudmouthed gutless whiney piece-of-shit morons like this need to be ass-fucked by a flaming porcupine. I only wish that I hadnt already awarded the Golden Sparky for this month, as this jagoff would certainly have been a canidate. Guess we'll just have to put him on the list for next month... (so keep your porcupines handy)

Be all you can be
Be an evil bastard - [Morax]

Back by popular demand, the PK-HQ's player-killers army page is online again! Any Evil Player can be a member of this new Evil Army. This members' list is in fact a way to make a census of all PKs. With each name, you will also find info on how to contact other Evil Players by Email or ICQ, in order to set big meetings, killing parties, robberies...

ENLIST !! We are waiting for you! Come on the PK-HQ, the army link is in the bottom frame.

http://www.pk-hq.com

Who says there's nothing on TV?
Quick, pass the remote - [Greybeard]

Tonight on FOX, from the same network that has brought you such cutting edge entertainment as "The worlds scariest police doughnut runs" and "When pets go bad and chase the worlds worst stuntment" we are proud to present: "When NPC's attack" Watch as 12 AR ringmail and wooden shields battle it out against liche lords, r33t DewDz, and other ass-pirates throught the dungeons of Britannia.

Pic courtesy of KreaM

Guild Spotlight
It's good to be bad baby - [Greybeard]

In response to the Atlantic Porn story, Shadow of KoC sent me a piece that a guildmate of his put together which was equally hilarious. If you've not seen it, be sure to check out Mia's Excellent Adventure

This was so disgustingly funny that I had to check out these sick KoC bastards a bit more thoroughly. I checked out their web site and found some pretty good stuff there. Not only are they sadistic fucko's, they have a pretty good sense of humor as well. Be sure to check em out.

The KoC intro page

Word
Thou art in our hood now - [Greybeard]

What can I say... Kewlio suburban white kids who cant get enough wu-tang and jay-z arent just in UO anymore. At last report, characters with the words "pimp", "killa", and "ho" appearing in their names have risen 75% on most EQ shards. Rumor has it that Sony will soon add in a version of UO's translation server to convert kewlspeak and ebonic variations to standard english in the weeks to come.

Pic courtesy of Malthus

New links added
Check em out - [Greybeard]

The Rantings of Lum the Mad 32 flavors of r33tness for your viewing pleasure

Mushashi's Cheesy Home Page Great UO humor and commentary

The Durmanhoth Clan an Atlantic evil guild

Its Sparky Time
UOEVIL awards the Golden Sparky for July - [Greybeard]

This month I am pleased to annouce we have our first his and hers couple to win the Sparky. Congratulations are in order to...

Airwalk and Miss Airwalk of Lake Superior!

While strolling through Bucs Den I happened across Miss Airwalk who was Chaos. Being Order at the time myself, I decided that I would show her some love. I dumped on her hard, dropping her on two occasions to 4% health only to have her associate Airwalk, (who wasnt chaos at the time) heal her over and over again. I asked her "Care to 1 on 1 without a blue healer?" To which she replied "You suck." Now this was amusing. Here she would have been dead on at least 2 occasions were she not saved by her blue healer, and she has the nerve to tell me that I suck. Ok, no problem. I stroll into the woods, and return with a summoned Daemon, a halby and a Flamestrike with her name on it. This time she was too busy saying "ugghhnnn!" and laying down for a nap to tell me that I sucked again. Our hero Airwalk seeing his dear girly eat it, decided to KOP out.

Not 2 minutes later a gate opens. Hmm, who could this be? Well whaddya know, two Daemons pop out. Unfortunately for Airwalk (the owner of the gate and the Daemons) they came through first to block the gate. By the time Airwalk got through (now Chaos mind you) myself and a fellow Order had already dispelled them, so Airwalks repeated cries of "all kill!, all kill!" fell on deaf ears. Even funnier was that he ran about in confusion for a moment still calling for his pets, not realizing that they were no longer there. Needless to say, Airwalk was soon sharing a warm patch of grass with his beloved.

We took what reagents they had, and proceded to use them to kill their horses, and res kill them about 20 times each. Normally I wouldnt have been so cruel, but Miss Airwalk insisted on running about in a deathrobe obviously upset about her demise yelling friendly shouts of "You cocksucking whore!!!" at me and my associates.

The moral of the story? Using blue healers is as gimpy and gutless of a tactic as there is. Using Blue healers AND talking shit means not only are you a spineless douchebag, but one with absolutely no class at all. Bitching and whining in a a deathrobe afterwards is merely icing on the cake.

So for your blatent acts of cowardice, ignorance, and general stupidity, I am proud to award you two with the coveted Sparky. Enjoy!

Do I make you horny baby?
When sex and UO meet, it aint pretty - [Greybeard]

This one takes a bit to load due to the size of the pics involved but I gotta admit, is one of the most classic pieces I have ever stumbled across since I started playing the game. Check out:

Atlantic - The Shard of Love, UO Porn Part 1

Insane amounts of thanks go out to Sir Dystic for sending this one in.

The Doctor is "IN"
The definitive interview for bug fiends everywhere - [Greybeard]

Battle Vortex has released a new Audio show about UO. (Episode 35) Many issues have come up in game and out. We decided to address some of the major issues and introduce the public to the loudest voice in UO. Dr. Twister is our guest on the show, and he has a whole bunch of stuff to talk about.

Please Note: You must have Free RealPlayer G2 to listen to the Audio Show!

Thanks!

http://www.battlevortex.com/uo/show.html

Oh how the mighty have fallen
The Interview with GM Darwin - [Greybeard]

<interview by Lum the mad>

No doubt you have all read Dr. Twister's latest. Go read it, if you haven't. (the real story behind Darwins firing)

Now, far be it for me to interrupt a good Twister rant, but there are actual people involved in this story, not just the usual conspiracy theories. Actual people, like Kevin "GM Darwin" Roseler, with a wife and young child, trying to make ends meet while working on the digitial frontier that no one, especially including his bosses, have any clue of how to navigate. Actual people like "Nighthawk", the webmaster of Joy of Villany, who, after rousing the UO community to defend his being banned over a racial slur, found a way to get his lost keep back. Actual people like you, who wonder if the police in your virtual community are on the take or merely lost in an incestuous feedback loop.

Let's hear what Kevin himself has to say. I know asking the actual person involved his thoughts on the matter is a radical departure for online news stories these days, but what the hey, I like to be different.

[Lum] Why don't we start with your take on what happened?

[Kevin] Ahh, where to start... well, most of what the little jerk said was true.. there is no denying what I did. A really good friend of mine was and is going through a very very rough spot in life... he is having marriage troubles... and needed to get out of debt fast in order to try and save his marriage.

[Lum] Well, was there ever anything said about eBay to GMs?

[Kevin] well,, kinda a long time ago, like when that first account was sold. I mean I knew if I was caught that I would be fired. But, if I had to do it all over I would do it again... a friend needed me and I stick by my friends. Now that being said, there is the thought that I got something out of this.. well I did, I helped a friend and did not make a dime. There are so many that are never reported. I mean, I am sure all the GM's have done, none were caught for it while I was there (10 months the day they fired me)

[Lum] Were any GMs fired for tampering with the game world in the past?

[Kevin] A couple of GMs were fired for getting, err, personal with counselors. You see, they had a rule that we could have no relations outside of business with any UO player. Total bullshit if you ask me.

[Lum] Did the story Dr. Twister told on his web page about your GM call re the blue thief have anything to do with your being terminated?

[Kevin] ahh that was bullshit... and you know that Vader is him right? Nah, it had nothing to do with me losing my job, this was not about job performance. Anyway he was also a counselor... Twister backwards was his counselor name.

[Lum] Well I guess that pretty much proves that the Counselor program needed better screening...

[Kevin] Aye.. yes it needs much better screening.

[Lum] Do you think the temptation of virtual assets being generated and sold for real-world cash occurred to OSI at any point?

[Kevin] When that first account was sold, they warned us about it and said not to do it. But, the lure is always there... I mean, I am sure others GM's have done it or are doing it.

[Lum] Would it be too nosy to ask how much you were paid as a GM?

[Kevin] Nah, we make $10 an hour, and I had been there 10 months the day I was fired and was still a temporary employee.

[Lum] I realize most of the GMs at OSI are still friends of yours, but do you think they are adequately trained and staffed?

[Kevin] Trained? Yes.. staffed... no, I mean there are times when there is one GM for 2 shards... that makes response times crappy and slow, there should always be one, perhaps two on some shards, ie. Atlantic, Great Lakes, LS, Pacific and maybe Chessie and Cats...

[Lum] Do you think OSI will penalize any of the people that you sold real estate to?

[Kevin] I would hope not, and here is a good one for you. Know the Nighthawk guy? Anyway, he was supposed to be banned for calling someone a Jap or something... anyway, someone from upstairs ie. the dev team or the community people said to unban him since he had all his friends protest. While this was happening, after he was banned, one of the Lead GMs deleted his tower and other items, so when he was unblocked, he had nothing. He is the one that actually turned me in. What does he get for all this? A placed Castle and much more... I heard over 5 + million gold. You can see how strict they are about racial harassment there.

[Lum] I always thought his tower disappearing was somewhat fishy. So Nighthawk turned you in, and OSI rewarded him with a placed castle?

[Kevin] Yes, he turned me in... he looked up all my auctions online, not that I was being to careful or anything, and then emailed them saying that a GM may be selling items on Ebay and then they (Origin) called or emailed eBay and found out for sure... and then I was fired. Again, I am not upset or mad with OSI about my my termination as it was my fault, just the way it was handled and now this bullshit letter they post on the site... that is just plain classless

[Lum] Do you think OSI thought the reason for your termination would never have been made public? It strikes me that they're trying to protect themselves.

[Kevin] Yes, I think they could cover it up and hope nothing came out. I knew it would be public soon enough as Twister's little pet, Shai'Tan emailed me saying he knew all about it. I think OSI, thought they could cover it up by firing me and then posting this bullshit letter on the page, but I knew it would be out soon enough as Twister knew what was up.

[Lum] Well I think we've pretty much covered everything... is there something I missed that you'd like to add?

[Kevin] Umm, well, yes, if you can add this to the end or something...

[Lum] Speak clearly into the microphone...

[Kevin] To all the players in UO, it was my pleasure to serve you and help you in the game. I know a lot of you hate me. Well, not hate me personally but the GM persona of me, and for that I am sorry. But, you must understand there is very little the GMs can actually do. That said, I am sorry to all the GMs, PDs and all the players. What I did was very wrong and I have no excuse. All I can say was that I was helping a friend that needed help. Would I do it again? I am not sure, but my guess is yes. Thanks again and farewell all.

[Lum] Thanks for your time, Kevin.

BTW, it wasnt a castle Nighthawk got it was a Keep. Also, it does me proud to see one of our own benefiting from fucking over The Man (let us not forget how Nighthawk just had his LEGITIMATELY PAID FOR BY HIS OWN HAND tower and all it's contents deleted by some petty ass underpaid GM who would no doubt better serve society by asking "may I take your order please?" at Burger King. Kudos to Nighthawk for bringing the ceiling down on this Darwin bastard. All I have to say is that if the Hawkster ever runs for Congress, you can be sure that he'll have my vote. - Greybeard

Make sure you have clean undies
Since you WILL shit your pants laughing - [Greybeard]

COMMANDO The movie...

This was created by a pal of Nighthawks and is posted over at the Joy of Villany. Being that my Lake Superior character is almost identical and has daily battles with these "Town Fags" as we call them I found it especially ironic. Now go click and laugh.

This just in from the Doc
Move yo' bookmarks mofo - [Greybeard]

Join me in a Blast back to the Past.  While the Dr.TwisTer Network is moving, we have brought back our Original UO site.  This site will only be temporary, but you can visit and expect to find all of the daily news you have grown to love.

Also, while visiting, you can take a look back on some great UO History. The Blast to the Past website is located at http://members.home.com/drtwister. We look forward to seeing you there, and we look forward to the re-opening of www.drtwister.com.

Thanks for your patience.

Dr.TwisTer

When evil bastards roleplay
And no, I dont mean saying "thou suckest biyatch" - [Greybeard]

Normally I dont get into printing info about local shard squabbles, but this one is too funny to pass up. That coupled with:

#1. The "virtuous" (rofl, yah right) gimps in question are dickless ass-pirates.

#2. The evil bastards in question are the Cabal, my favoite bastards on Lake Superior.

It seems that when a house decayed in the player ran city of the Red Dragons, The Cabal was able to place their own little love palace in its place, hence pissing the RD's off substantially as well as providing a base for the evil ones to administer yet even more beat downs to the Dragons. Here is a post that Diamond Dog sent me from the Cabal's message board:

Since you're a sawed off pin dick little board nazi, who deletes any message or discussion which shows your pathetic guild in any bad light, I'll post this here where your infantile temper tantrums can't be soothed with your freeware html editor. We warned you long ago to make reperations to The Cabal for the land you stole from the good citizens of Britannia through the purchase and placement of buildings bought with counterfeit (duped) gold.

You have yet to pay us the one million gold (non duped) which would settle the differences The Cabal has with your group of exploiting weasels.

To date, we have murdered 136 RD members. The amount of reagents, gold, weapons, armor, etc we have confiscated from your poor helpless members is beyond count. And still you refuse to make right the tremendous number of wrongs you and your past associates have made.

Now, we are taking several new steps. The Guardian has instructed us to take your motley collection of buildings, purchased with duped gold, by force. Today, it has begun. Look around, you'll see the beginning of the end of RD village.

We will take over your village, which sits on our land, as is our right. Your days, and that of your exploiting guild, are numbered.

We will also be posting the wealth of The Cabal, and show a direct comparison with the puny duped wealth of the pitiful red iguanas.

All Britannia will sigh in relief as the cheat buildings which you own are erradicated, and human sacrifices are performed on the courtyard you were so nice enough to have built for us. Now that's what I call thinking ahead =)

Our miners have already begun mapping the mountains on the Cabal peninsula, spotting the best ore veins. Soon, oh so soon, you'll be a distant memory. You'll only have your duped gold to remind you of the exploits you used to take advantage of the poorer members of Britannia.

Our cause is right, just and we shall triumph.

BiLL GateS, The Cabal

Now isnt that just the smoothest bad-guy shit you've seen all day?