3.31.00

Cant we all just get along?

Welp, here is my take on the shots fired across the bow by all of us UO rant sites recently over this whole Origin shake up:

Azile - Kudos to you babe, you hit it right on the head. Lum's instant backpeddling over his breaking of the story was indeed pretty comical. While not always tactful (like I'm one to talk, heh) you call a spade a spade. That nonwithstanding, I still wont buy any stock from you.

Jinx - Ok, not like its the first time I've been told to go fuck myself. Sex with a partner can sometimes be overrated anyways so I have been told. I still stand by my position of having no sympathy whatsoever for Garriott and think your wishing him luck is a silly gesture at best. When the guy's net worth creeped into the 8 digit range, I somehow doubt that "remaining true to his vision" was a factor anymore. The "Legacy" of Lord British went into the shitter back about the same time someone offered him several million dollars for it and he accepted. Everything thats came since (Ultimas 8,9 UO and the forthcoming UO2) have been nothing but the product of a major corporation looking to suck some bucks out of Joe Consumers pocket. Anyone who believes that Garriott's "dream" was any more than that at the end, is dillusional. In any event, when you got that kind of cash you dont need good luck anyways, just a good broker.

Lum - What can I say? Bar none you have the most well known and mainstream site out there for the UO populace. You broke the story while we were all picking our noses and r0xxing one another. So what if you had to do a little bit of PR arse smooching in the end. You more so than us have a more civil relationship with Origin, and therefore have a different level of respectabilty to maintain. If we piss on you from time to time because of it, its just the by-product of frustration and an overly active bladder.

I saw that Azile read a post that suggested we all get on Jerry Springer and have a slugfest. I for one am all for it, just send me a ticket. On second thought, despite that fact that I'm 6'5, 270 lbs, Lum's better half sounds a bit militant. She might kick all our asses combined. That my friends, is a screen shot I dont look forward to seeing anytime soon. - Greybeard

3.30.00

I hear she's been givin' that shit out to all them grafiti guys.

I can't fucking stand it when someone else posts something that I wanted to have posted in my own words regarding a bunch of fucking tools.

He stole my kill, the whore.

Now I have nothing to bitch about. - Ron

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on

I had no plans to post on the firing of Richie from Origin, but I couldnt help but notice a little snippet that Jinx posted:

"After all the jokes and cracks about Richard, I grieve for him. Ultima is his child. It wouldn't exist if not for him."

Garriott can juggle my hairy sack.. I dont feel the least bit of pity for him. He cashed out when he sold Origin off to EA and now he is reaping what he has sewn. Maybe if he had spent more time making sure his company turned out better products than Ultima IX rather than taking submarine trips to the Titanic and building castles, he wouldnt of gotten put out on his ass. Everyone also seems to conviently forget that the UO we know and love, was a sorry assed bugfest from the word go that took 2 years to finally get some halfway decent code. Anyone else notice that EQ has kicked the shit out of UO commercially? Anyone else notice that Verant, not Origin landed the Star Wars online deal? And for the love of God, dont EVEN get me started on the Wing Commander movie.... Origin has screwed the pooch on numerous occasions and its about time some heads rolled there. Jinx baby, if you want to give some credit to the people that actually made UO into a halfway decent game, thank people like Koster, Sunsword, Calandryll, etc, etc those that still HAVE jobs (for good reason I might add) Hell, maybe now UO2 will even work for those of us who dont have a 3DFX card.

Fact is (and I cant say that I blame him, Im a greedy capitalist pig too) that selling your soul to the Man for a fast buck has its downside, just ask Vanilla Ice. Word.

On a more positive note, we have had word that Richard has been hired as a new spokesman for Newgrounds.com. Tom Fulp was reported as saying "Hey, if you want to know about FDA, ask someone who knows. After today, Dick here is an expert"

Here we see Richard Garriotts explosive outgassing after a prolonged FDA session

- Greybeard

OSI to Garriott : You're Banned

As reported by Lum and Cracked Nuts, Richard Garriott is no longer with EA/OSI. Furthermore, he not only doesn't work there, but he was FIRED.

Now, I can't say that I feel a lot of pity for the guy. He was obviously just a figurehead that was coasting on the checks coming in from an oustanding idea he had 20 years ago. He got to build a fucking castle, so I'd say he had his fill of fun.

What amuses me is that the irony of them firing him is too similar so the bannings of UO. I mean, did he say "gook"? I highly doubt that anyone is going to hold an in-game protest to un-ban him.

As a side note, Ron and I were discussing putting a numerical value on how bad OSI sucks and we've come up with "12". Do with that information what you will.

- Nighthawk

3.29.00

Radio Contest

Got this email today. I figured since I laughed my ass off at it that I should share :

On the morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a game for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant:(laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ:"Yes"? Does this mean your are married or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian:(laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian:(laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now..
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to DisneyWorld, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara "helloooooo" anyone home?!?!

Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian:(laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12,15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

R0xxing to the oldies

Got to thank Jinx for finding this one, and encourage everyone to check out the Ultima Parody Songs page. Only a couple tunes there, but they had me laughing my ass off. It's definately worth a look - Greybeard

- Nighthawk

My Views on UO's Stat Loss

Stat Loss seems to be the topic of the day, so I'll just come out and give the lot of you my divine knowledge on the subject.

It dawned on me the other day while I was removing a crusty from my lefthand nostril that picking your nose just isn't near as fucking elite the day you cut your fingernails as it is when you have a good bit of nail to work with.

Now I am sure there are those of you out there who will deny picking your nose as fervently as you would deny masturbating, but for those of us whom are true experts at removing the everyday hardened nasal secretion, a good session of hard core nose-picking is almost as appetizing as smoking that after-meal Marlboro, or taking the morning's pre-shower dump. After cutting our nails, our personal nose-time becomes much more of a chore than the high point of our day that it normally is. There is almost nothing I hate more than when I have it at my fingertip, ripe for pickin', and my lack of nail forces the beauty further into my nostril resulting in losing it completely. Know the feeling? I am sure you do.

Where the fuck, man? I just had it, now it's gone. Then you have to find the goddamned thing again, and the search for a crusty is not near as exciting when you're aware you are not going to achieve that crusty-picked feeling, instead having it replaced by a somewhat soggy snot speck that will take you a good 10 minutes of digging and exhaling to remove - if you can remove it at all.

Often-times our degenerate fucker will actually be just hanging out on our wrist somewhere, but since we had just had it at our fingertip, somewhere deep in our mind we know there is something left up there to remove. This usually results in that painstaking process of finding the booger, where we pick at every crevice of our inner-nose at least thirty-nine times, yet come up with a fruitless search. We then begin sharply inhaling and exhaling with our nose, as we can certainly feel it. But god damn if we can find it.

That's because it's gone. Fallen on the floor off of our wrist. Probably on the bottom of some unappreciative shoe.

But all hope is not yet lost. Hell no. In this predicament I just head on over to the other nostril, where there just might be a good crusty fucker hanging around that needs to be dealt with. Why waste my time with a fucked up left nostril anyway.

Why should you for that matter.

Besides, what happens if you ever do manage to get that piece of shit useless booger out of your left nostril?

It just sticks to your god damned finger, so you thump it from your index finger, hoping to hear that gratuitous noise from the poster on the wall that it hit, but when you look down, it's stuck to your thumb now. So, you roll it onto your middle finger, and with the skill born of an elementary school-bus "Hey let's play a game of Thumps" Thumps Master, thump with all of your might. Glancing back at your middle finger, there it still is. Fucking annoyance. Since thumping it doesn't work, it's time for the good old fashioned "bottom of your chair" routine. So you wipe it on the bottom of your chair, and the damned thing somehow ends up on your fingernail again. Back to thumping you go.

Fuck all that noise. Why frustrate yourself.

God blessed us with two nostrils, so don't be an asshole. Choose the right one.

I am so symbolic. I almost feel as if I have that Lord of the Flies / Genesis thing goin on.

I'll leave you with an algebraic equation to display my mathematical skillZ.

Godsmack = Alice in the Stone Temple Pearl Garden.

Jesus Christ how can one band suck so badly? I wish I could give stat-loss to the fucker that ever made the mistake of turning over a Godsmack album to "alternative rock" radio stations around America. May he forever rot in heck. - Ron

3.20.00

You ate my Cheetoh's, didn't you motherfucker?

Received this from our representative in Kansas, J.

Enjoy.

What really happened to Tupac.


- Ron

3.19.00

Glad to know our readers are as twisted as I am

A few days back when I was poking fun at Lum's arguably better half, I made a reference to, and I quote, "some chick getting banged in the ass by Fernando the donkey" and linked it to the Stile Project.

Now for those of you who have never been to Stile's lair, he is a fellow who spends his days surfing gay pr0n sites (yes, even more than Ron if you can believe it) and digging up the sickest, most twisted shit on the internet. His site gets an absolute shitload of hits daily. Now get this. The afformentioned Fernando incident made WTFMAN one of the top referrers to his page.

WTF? Our page is dedicated primarily to poking fun at online RPG's like Asherons Call, Ultima Online, Everquest, etc etc. Apparently those folks who enjoy sitting around having a virtual cup of ale and sharing tales of adventure in the local medieval pub, also enjoy watching women put on a spiked strap-on dildo and cornhole deformed misshapen dwarves. Crazy world aint it? - Greybeard

3.17.00

Pistols are pointin' at a Poor Man's Pockets

Comin' to town with the Briefcase blues.

I got a haircut today. True story.

Everywhere I look there's a devil waiting.

But I digress.

Check it. Happy St. Patrick's day Everybody. If you are not out at the moment and you are reading this story, you are a lifeless schmoe who needs to be doing something with their time besides surfing the webpages of bigger schmoes in hopes of entertainment larger than you could have partaken in than We.

I get down. I get down, I get down all the way.

Yeah, had a bit of a blast tonight. Was hanging with my lightweight friend tonight, by name of Joe up at a usual joint of ours that happens to go by name of "Champp's," for St. Patty's day (even thought I am far from Irish [I think])and I am the enchanting wizard of Evermore.

Yeah, I figured at the time, Patty's Day and all, we'd hang around after work hours for one too many green beers to enjoy ourselves, and the night ended up just as so. Too many beers - for one of us anyway.

I met my madre and my little neice up at Champps for some Patty's Dinner/Drinks to prepare for a night of too much drinking with my man Joe, and since my madre was covering the charge, went ahead and ordered some fatty drinks and Dinner while being covered on her bill (not that any of us would ever think of doing anything like ordering as much free food as we could on the bill of someone else). OSU just happened to be playing in the NCAA Championship against some AppleAncient Mountaineer team, so the night combined with green and luscious beer and my boy Joe was bound to provide the both of us with an entertaining night.

Little did I know.

Rich, having met Joe, will probably be the only one who might enjoy this story, (but if you are here and reading, fuck you and your bored ass for reading thus far).

Anyway, my madre and my neice split for the night to do whatever it is that aunts do with Neices, and I of course prepare for the arrival of my boy Joe and his Girlfriend Monica (who are to be married this June,[ah haha, dumb fucker]). I had the seats reserved for my man Hoe in preperation for his arrival.

Finally Joe arrives, and I am chillin with a semi-hottie waitress named Michelle. We immediately order the best shot in the house to get us pumped up for the OSU game. The waitress's preferred shot(s) was one called a "traffic light" so we ordered one of those for each of us along with the usual Killians to tide us over until the next drink. When the rtaffic light arrived, it turned out to be a $143.00 shot (I am estimating) that conisisted of actually 3 Stacked Shots - 2 oz. Shot of Cranberry/Vodka, 2 oz. Orange Juice/Vodka, followed by the *Green light* Midori (means "green," go figure) and Vodka. We down the shots and chug the Killians (you know, preparing for the OSU night and all).

I, being 3 Killians ahead of my man Joe already, am of course Hell and gone from Cartahagne(sp?, fuck it, Romancing the Stone, look it up). Joe being at Champps for all of 2 and a half minutes and already possessing more of a buzz than myself is having the time of his life. I had noticed his fiance wasn't with him, so I of course asked him What the Fuck was goin on. He explained she had not yet arrived from work. So we called her from his new and nifty Sprint PCS Cell Phone, and convinced us to join us in our quest to become more retarded than present state.

While Lil' Joey was on the phone with his better half, I went ahead and ordered us both some Cuervo Gold and a Corona (and lime of course) Chaser. Michelle was happy to cooperate (chicks dig getting guys drunk and taking advantage of their credit cards when they know that drunk guys without their fiance's present = larger tip). So Joe, unknowing of the soon-to-arrive-Cuervo and Corona, orders another Killians to catch up with his Daddy Nads.

Michelle makes sure we down our shots properly, and makes her way to the table to whatever table she is also covering.

About this time, Monica finally arrives, ready to get her groove on. We order her a Traffic Light to get her caught up with the rest of us.

At this point, my night truly begins. (Sorry Joe). Weighing in at my amazing 138 pounds and up on Joe 3 Killians, Joe needs to "head to the restroom." (Beer + Male bladder = 3j33t Urination). However, as known later, Joe was in all actuality praising his Lord and Savior Porcelain God, by name of Mr. Toilet Bowl.

20 minutes and another Killians Later, Joe was still MIA. Monica, being the fine upstanding Fiance she is, was of course "worried." I take a trip to the John to check up on my boy, to give him a "WHASSUP"(see a certain Budweiser Commercial) much to the delight of the other males who happen to be using the facility at the time. At this point I am pretty sure I hear Joe snoring in the stall.

I go head and go back out to Monica and assure her that her boy Joe was doing just great, and she should go ahead and order her dinner. She does so, and we call another of our boys (not our children) Eric to join us for the festivities (you might remember Eric as "the capable of anally dominating any who step forth, at the game of Dreamcast Whatever Football).

Joe is still MIA. I go back to the bar to chat with the cute bartender by name of Christine because she looks familiar,to relate to her the Story of our still Missing in Action Joe.

She actually recognizes me from WTFest 99' as "the guy with the CA license and good taste in beer." Which is surprising being I have no idea who the bitch is. Regardless, I score myself one of those fatty green leprechaun hats and a good glance at our fine bartender.

Joe is still MIA.

I then of course (not being homosexual, but only acting in concern for our MIA friend and family, Joe) head back to the John to make sure everything is being spewed through the proper nostril. I hear a snore, so I figure all is alright.

Suddenly people start coming into the restroom, so I being the sport I am, start offering everyone who comes in to take a leak a crisp clean dollar bill to say (in the spirit of St. Patrick's day) "Joe is a Pussy." They of course, diggin the idea of holding a dollar bill in their own hand cooperate nicely - I ended up down 14 dollars as a matter of fact, just from people taking part in the spirit of Irish Holidays). Joe is still in the stall groaning.

Monica is now finished with her pasta meal and worried about Joe. Eric arrives. Everyone is happy. Except Joe.

About this time, some guy appears at our table and he says "Are you Jason?" I reply, "yes," and he says, I am the manager, and I hear you have and have had a friend in the restroom sick for awhile, it would be much appreciated if you could remove him from the facility.

Eric, being in the place for all of a few minutes, volunteers to help me with my boy Joe. WE head into the restroom (not homosexually) to assist our poor unfortunate Mr. Toilet Holder out of the foul and smelly restroom and into the passenger seat of his Fiance.

Monica informs me she will take him home and be right back to cover the tab of theirs - I of course deny that proposition because they live pretty goddam far from Champps, and fuck having her drive all the way back - I teller I'll handle the tab. And I inform Michelle the same.

So it;s just me and Eric now, I ask the guys in the nearest table what the OSU score is, they tell me it's long been over and we won like 86 to 4. Word.

I tell Michelle I'd like to go ahead and cover Joe/Monica and I's tab since I am sure it was high, and before I continued with my groove I wanted to make sure I could cover what we had drank already --- she informs me the tab is at $110.00, but I being the rich mofo I am, am not concerned. Michelle comes back with a $98.00 check....I say "hrmm, you said $110.00 earlier." She, being the groovy chick she is, informs me that my credit card was denied the $110.00 charge so she "knocked a bit off the tab." How fucking cool is that? So, I being embarassed about a denied charge and pissed I wasted 14 bucks in the John with my boy Toilet Hugger, apologize for any inconvenience (what the fuck else ar eyou supposed to do under such circumstances?" and assure her she can give me head after all is said and done to make up for her lack of tip. (I didn't say that really, or did I). Eric, having been there 10 minutes now, of course steps in and says he'll cover my tip as well as everything else I couldn't cover.

God Bless the Eric. He saved me from having to pull out my other maxed Credit Card.

We have another Killians, discuss modern politics and Waitress bra-size, and end our St. Patty's Day night.

God bless Joe.

Hope your night was as fun as mine. Happy um, Holidays.

True.

True.

- Ron

3.15.00

Even orcs need love too

Who could ask for better timing? In light of the recent contoversy surrounding MMORPG characters with massive breasts and the men who love them, Blizzard has released some artwork of the new half-orc race which graces the cover of the latest PC Accelerator magazine. Look out Lara Croft, there is a new well endowed hottie in town thats sure to piss off unattractive and overly sensitive women around the world.

Would you like those breasts spicy or regular?

- Greybeard

3.14.00

And who says we arent a news site?

Why just today I came across a new screenshot from UO2, clearly illustrating the new man/machine technology of the future. Here we see a promo shot of Tyrant flanked by British and Blackthorn.